Dear driving in Vancouver...

Honestly.....can I be honest for a quick second? Thanks. I would rather slowly cut off my own eye lids with a box cutter than have to drive in this fuckcity EVER again. Since were being honest, I'm just gonna go for it....this post could go south really quickly and I may even lose some friends. But if they can't handle this, of all things, then they can suck a rock and go fuck themselves. Lets start with public transit and move on to cabs then foreigners. Vancouver public transit are some of the biggest assdicks on the road. They clog up this poorly planned city with their giant, slow, erratic driving. I want nothing less than to stab someone when a bus pushes me out of my lane just so they can stick to their "schedule". Is causing an accident part of your schedule? A-FUCK YOU BUSS. I dont even know how to spell busss, bus or buss, NONE OF THOSE LOOK RIGHT TO ME, nor am I ever going to learn how to spell it because I hate them that much. The buss isn't even cheap. I tried to take it once and after a quick wallet rape I had to stand in the middle of this cramped, stinky waste pile for 40 min. "Well why don't you walk? Or ride a bike? Or drive?" Because anal bead, obviously if I'm on a bus it's my last resort. I hate riding the buss almost as much as I hate driving near it. So public transit, you get a VERY VERY BEAUCOUP LARGE....YOUCANGOFUCKYOURSELFIMSOMADRIGHTNOW. Oh joy, I finally passed the giant lummox of a vehicle, and BAM theres a cab driver making the road his own playground. Not abiding to any rules, "Oh hey look Im a fucking cab driver, why dont I press on the gas for a second then slam on the break, oh sorry I thought that asshole wanted a ride. Guess not I better speed up again, OH SHIT that guy on the other side of the road wants to be picked up maybe I'll just bust U-BOMB on your face like were in a dirty car porn." Guess what douche dick you already have better parking spots than the rest of us so why dont you just drive like a human being with at least half a brain.

If I can just take a minute to explain the ultimate worst scenario for me to be in on the road it would be significantly helpful for my overall mental health. Lets say I am sitting in traiffic, waiting to get through a light and Im in the left lane, and there is a cab in front of me who decided to throw on his signal after we had already come to a complete stop.....You know what why just say cab? If anyone does that, I get immediately livid. However if that light were to turn green and on the opposing traffic side a bus were to pull up at a stop near the corner of the street that already has a buss stopped there, because that first buss would take up so much room the second buss blocks left turning traffic from my lane. My God. We would have some situation on our hands. If guns were legal I would be in prison for sure.

Cabs: You are over priced, and generally terrible drivers. I hate you so much I cannot use my tiny vocabulary to express my true feelings of hatred for you.

Foreign people. You know what, lets make this more of a plea. If you can't read the language I have typed this blog in, PLEASE for the safety of everyone stay off the road. How could they read this....if they cant read this? FUNKY TOWN. THEY CAN'T. I swear to sweet baby jesus that there is nothing scarier than the blank look you get from a foreign asshole when they run a red and almost kill you. Sometimes you even get the "why you looking at me" face. Guess why I am looking at you, I HATE YOUR DOUCHY TECHNIQUES.

I have been saving this one for a bit now, I knew it was going to be long and wasn't sure if I was ready to step to it, but as a christmas present for a great friend and avid reader of you can go fuck yourself I promised I would write a driving post. And honestly I feel better, probably only until I get in the car again, I swear to allah that if you dick around near me I will shoot you the bird, and a serious horn honk. Whats the you say? "That doesn't seem so bad". Well guess what fuckstick I will have a look on my face that will be so full of rage that you will feel like I just surprise fucked your soul with satans penis.

Good Day and God Speed

but don't speed on the road...

you might get a ticket...

Everyone on the road, YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.

-Dr. Magnus Vervon