Monday, December 21, 2009

Dear driving in Vancouver...

Honestly.....can I be honest for a quick second? Thanks. I would rather slowly cut off my own eye lids with a box cutter than have to drive in this fuckcity EVER again. Since were being honest, I'm just gonna go for it....this post could go south really quickly and I may even lose some friends. But if they can't handle this, of all things, then they can suck a rock and go fuck themselves. Lets start with public transit and move on to cabs then foreigners. Vancouver public transit are some of the biggest assdicks on the road. They clog up this poorly planned city with their giant, slow, erratic driving. I want nothing less than to stab someone when a bus pushes me out of my lane just so they can stick to their "schedule". Is causing an accident part of your schedule? A-FUCK YOU BUSS. I dont even know how to spell busss, bus or buss, NONE OF THOSE LOOK RIGHT TO ME, nor am I ever going to learn how to spell it because I hate them that much. The buss isn't even cheap. I tried to take it once and after a quick wallet rape I had to stand in the middle of this cramped, stinky waste pile for 40 min. "Well why don't you walk? Or ride a bike? Or drive?" Because anal bead, obviously if I'm on a bus it's my last resort. I hate riding the buss almost as much as I hate driving near it. So public transit, you get a VERY VERY BEAUCOUP LARGE....YOUCANGOFUCKYOURSELFIMSOMADRIGHTNOW. Oh joy, I finally passed the giant lummox of a vehicle, and BAM theres a cab driver making the road his own playground. Not abiding to any rules, "Oh hey look Im a fucking cab driver, why dont I press on the gas for a second then slam on the break, oh sorry I thought that asshole wanted a ride. Guess not I better speed up again, OH SHIT that guy on the other side of the road wants to be picked up maybe I'll just bust U-BOMB on your face like were in a dirty car porn." Guess what douche dick you already have better parking spots than the rest of us so why dont you just drive like a human being with at least half a brain.

If I can just take a minute to explain the ultimate worst scenario for me to be in on the road it would be significantly helpful for my overall mental health. Lets say I am sitting in traiffic, waiting to get through a light and Im in the left lane, and there is a cab in front of me who decided to throw on his signal after we had already come to a complete stop.....You know what why just say cab? If anyone does that, I get immediately livid. However if that light were to turn green and on the opposing traffic side a bus were to pull up at a stop near the corner of the street that already has a buss stopped there, because that first buss would take up so much room the second buss blocks left turning traffic from my lane. My God. We would have some situation on our hands. If guns were legal I would be in prison for sure.

Cabs: You are over priced, and generally terrible drivers. I hate you so much I cannot use my tiny vocabulary to express my true feelings of hatred for you.

Foreign people. You know what, lets make this more of a plea. If you can't read the language I have typed this blog in, PLEASE for the safety of everyone stay off the road. How could they read this....if they cant read this? FUNKY TOWN. THEY CAN'T. I swear to sweet baby jesus that there is nothing scarier than the blank look you get from a foreign asshole when they run a red and almost kill you. Sometimes you even get the "why you looking at me" face. Guess why I am looking at you, I HATE YOUR DOUCHY TECHNIQUES.

I have been saving this one for a bit now, I knew it was going to be long and wasn't sure if I was ready to step to it, but as a christmas present for a great friend and avid reader of you can go fuck yourself I promised I would write a driving post. And honestly I feel better, probably only until I get in the car again, I swear to allah that if you dick around near me I will shoot you the bird, and a serious horn honk. Whats the you say? "That doesn't seem so bad". Well guess what fuckstick I will have a look on my face that will be so full of rage that you will feel like I just surprise fucked your soul with satans penis.

Good Day and God Speed

but don't speed on the road...

you might get a ticket...

Everyone on the road, YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.

-Dr. Magnus Vervon


Today is our lucky day folks, we have a guest writer at You Can Go Fuck Yourself. I know what your thinking! "No one could post on your blog but you and if they asked then you'd direct them to where they can start their own blog", well guess what assblow, I DO WHAT I WANT. So wait no longer here is a wonderful story of how greyhound can suck a giant fleshy meat purse and fuck itself in the exhaust pipe.

Dr. Magnus Vervon and Company


It seemed like a simple enough mission, one that I've accomplished successfully many times in the past. Catch the
greyhound bus from Whistler Creek to Vancouver....
I check the time, 1.25pm, 10 minutes till the bus departs.
"Sorry about the dishes in the sink, but I gotta fly" I yell to Shannon through the bathroom door as I rush out of the
house. Just as my brisk walk is turning into a run I come around the corner and see the bus waiting....perfect!
"Can I buy a ticket from you, or should I go inside?" I ask the driver.
"Just get one inside." he responds.
So I go into the office to buy a ticket, where there are two other people purchasing their tickets. "That'll be $30.87
each" I overhear.
"Really? That's a $10 price rise" I explain to the cashier, and the unsuspecting tourists, who up until this point, thought
it was a pretty good deal.
"I know" says the cashier "what are you gunna do though, right."
No doubt this is just Greyhound, like everyone else, cashing in on the 2010 games, which can also go and fuck
themselves in the face with a chainsaw.
So as I'm accepting this fact and searching through my pockets for the extra change, the bus driver steps into the
office and says "the bus is about to leave. But you know what, you guys are better off to wait 5 minutes for the next bus.
There'll be much less people on that one."
He gets no argument from any of us, and he hops into his bus and drives away while the cashier prints out our tickets.
As we sit in the cold 5 minutes go by and no bus arrives. None of us really think anything of it, but as 10, 15, 20
minutes roll by we're starting to get impatient. After about 25 minutes one guy goes into the office to investigate, but he
never returns. Instead the cashier comes out and explains to us how the bus got filled up in the village and is on its way to
Vancouver. "but you can take the 4.30pm bus" he says with a smile.
Starting to think that hitch hiking would be a better solution, I ask if I can possibly get a refund. "Sorry" he says "no
refunds, its company policy."
Taking into account the fact that he did sound quite genuine, and that the computer would probably not allow him to
refund a ticket, I refrain from telling him to take the 4.30pm bus and fuck himself in the arse with it.
Being a fairly positive person, I go home, and after quickly venting my frustrations to Shannon, I turn the unfortunate
situation in my favour and get on with my day. After getting a few things done, I turn up to the village bus loop at around
4.05pm, so as to make sure I get a seat on this one.
As I'm waiting to board the bus I hear the driver ask the girl in front of me "Have you paid the $10 for your extra bag?"
This is another additional payment that has been added since I last took a Greyhound. I think to myself "At least maybe
they'll have made some improvements with all this extra revenue." I couldn't have been more wrong.
The bus pulls away from the loop, and it's hard not to notice that the driver keeps opening and closing the door. Turns
out the door doesn't close properly so anyone sitting near the front of the bus gets to enjoy the cold breeze coming through
the crack. Passengers toward the back of the bus, on the other hand, begin to cook as the driver cranks the heat right up to
compensate for the breeze in the front.
While on the subject of broken doors, I find out the hard way that the bathroom door doesn't lock. It's tricky enough to
take a shit while doing 80km down the sea-to-sky high way, let alone doing it with one foot up against the door.
And the driver, put it this way. If the gears were crack-heads, he couldn't find them down east hastings on a Saturday
After what seemed like an eternity we finally arrive at the bus depot. As all the retards on the bus try to be the first one
off it, before it even stops, I sit in my seat and think of all the things I wish Greyhound would go and fuck itself with....a
barbed wire fence, a very large fish-hook, maybe a hummer (not the small modern kind either, the old sort, like Arnold
Schwarzenegger would drive), the list goes on.
But hey, like I said before, I'm a positive person, so that's enough of that.....
....go fuck yourself greyhound!!!"

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Staples Can Go Fuck Themselves In the Back Door

For the past few weeks I've been looking for an all in one printer. If you don't know what that is it's a printer that has lots of rad features like scanning, printing, copying, faxing, emailing all sorts of weird little extras, photo printer. That sort of shit. Anyway I have been scoping the internet heavily looking for the perfect one for what I want to spend, I hate buying electronics cause it's never a good deal and is almost outdated the moment you pay for it. So on a side note technology can go fuck itself super hard in power button. On with the story, I decided craigslist was fuckin out and buying something new was fuckin in. So I picked what I thought was the best all in one set up out there and headed out on the road in search of Staples (they had the best deal). Well let me tell you the number one reason staples can eat a fleshy meat purse and go fuck itself, their sign was not lit up so I drove about 40 blocks passed it thinking I hadn't gotten their yet. I know what your thinking, why didn't I just check the address? Why did I drive so far with out stopping? Well you can ask questions until the cows fuck home, the only answer is I don't know. I guess I'm kinda slow, "stupid" if you will. Point is Staples should have a giant flashing sign so people like me can find it. I finally found it. I was pumped they were still open cause it was gettin on in the evening. I blew in there and went stright for the printer section. They had a huge aray of printers, ALL EXCEPT THE ONE I WANTED. They happened to have a similar office model and a better one of the same series, so I stood in front of it until one of their employees decided to get off their grease hole and come help me. When he finally arrived, not only was he short, he had a lisp. It was the ultimate combo to anger me. However, I felt that euphoric rush you get when you buy a new toy so I decided to be patient. I was on the home stretch to finally having a sweet ass printer. I play along as short lisp explains to me that the printer I originally set out for is no longer in production but this newer better and more expensive one is conveniently sitting right here and I should buy that one. So I let the lispy D do his pitch. Basically they were closing and I needed a fucking printer. So I said "ya fine I'll take it". Low and behold, they were out of stock and couldn't get one in until the next day. I wasted time, gas, and patience on this little lispy pancake fuck and didn't even get a printer. Seeing as I urgently needed it I decided to exit the fuckary zone and go to London drugs where I originally saw it weeks before.

Not only was the model I wanted there, it was on sale and I found out the company did still make them and the Staples assfuck was just trying to get me to spend more money. At this point I'm beginning to think the lisp is a fake just so he can make sympathy sales. Staples, staples' sign and staples employees can go fuck themselves so so so hard.

You Can Go Fuck Yourself Blogging

Well this is my first blog ever and I already hate it, but in order to tell people to go fuck themselves I will need to deal with it.

Let me explain a few things here. I am not a writer or spelling bee winner so if I have bad grammar or spell something wrong and it bothers you then you can go fuck yourself right in the face. Anyway the point of this blog is for venting. When things happen to me throughout the day that annoy the ass pickles out of me I can put it on here instead of burying it deep within. If I do that I might just end up murdering the entire world.

If you feel like giving a suggestion for Y.C.G.F.Y. what I will do for you is redirect you to so you can create your own blog and stop trying to get in on this hot shit.

Thank you and good day.

Dr. Magnus Vervon